Note #2: Good Riddance 2023!

On not pretending to be positive

I've been trying to get a second edition of my newsletter out since November. I wanted to write to you on the 2nd anniversary of my 2nd neurosurgery, or as I call it, my rebirthday. But I wasn't well enough in the weeks leading up to or following it. That's been the theme of this year for me: wanting something, planning perfectly and working diligently for it, and then watching it become impossible to reach.

My life has been full of setbacks and obstacles, as most people's lives are. I'm used to getting knocked off my path and finding my way back to where I was, or making a new path forward. This year I've not been able to do either. I won't throw myself a pity party by listing everything bad that's happened to me in 2023 (I've already done that privately!), but suffice it to say the three viruses, including covid, that took away the vast majority of my post-op progress are chief among them.

I keep saying to myself and others how 2023 has been one of the worst years of my life, but after reflecting on it today I think it might be the worst, and if you've been following me for a long time you'll know that's really saying something.

Other horrendous years at least ended on a note of hope or improvement (2008, 2013, 2014, 2021), but this year has been a complete shitshow. And of course, it's been a horrific year globally with so much illness, war, genocide, climate crises, poverty, and oppression. It's hard to cling on to the vestiges of hope when you're suffering so much against a backdrop of even worse suffering on a global scale.

My instinct and tendency have always been to end a New Year post on a positive note, and I believe that no year is completely devoid of joy and goodness, 2023 included. But the highs this year for me have been so few and far between, and they've been comparatively tiny in contrast to the near-catastrophic lows.

Image description: The full moon of the 27th of December, centred in the photo and surrounded by darkness. A lot of detail is visible on the moon despite it being a phone photo.

I spent a good half an hour looking through photos to try and drum up some highlights, but the dearth of them just ended up making me feel even more sad. At this point, positivity feels like a costume.

So I am just going to allow myself to be sad. I watched what I spent the last 4 years working towards slip through my hands despite doing everything right; I'm allowed to be distraught about that. I'll pick myself up, dust myself off, and plod onwards, as I always do. But in the meantime, I'm just going to rest a little bit at rock bottom, because I've been fighting for so long and I'm so very tired.

To the people reading this: thank you for your steadfast support in 2023. I hope the year was a good one for you and that 2024 is even better. If you're a subscriber to this newsletter it means that you care about my life and my words, and that means everything to me. It is a much-needed reminder that even on the darkest of nights, there is always some light. And sometimes the darkness allows you to see things that aren't possible in the light (see the above photo of the moon for proof!).

Good riddance 2023! May 2024 be kinder to me. May 2024 be kinder to us all, and may we be kinder to each other.

To fresh starts, an end to suffering, and justice and peace throughout the world. 🥂

Happy New Year, friends.